How to Live Your Life

by Russel Brand

Self-Help from a onetime Funny Man

Work the Title - Manage your Lifestyle and Hair

PREFACE

A more serious approach to a subject than I have taken to much else in my Life. (Not to mention the Loves)

FOREWORD

A Book on Self-Mastery? Moi? Surely not, but then again; I'll give it a go.

For 'CHAPTER' read Section, because some of them have few words.

PRELUDE

I Love Los Angeles and I Love London of course, but now with the less Hair and changes made you would not recognize me in either, but you may well know it is I in Las Vegas. I get to there from LA using various methods and once from Gatwick Direct. Work necessitates this as the original contribution rests with me and to update, extend, improve and add to my Work will result in justifying a Pay packet along with the Journeying to and fro.

INTRODUCTION

I swear I'll make a start in a minute.

CHAPTER ONE

Mastering the Self

I picked up a Book once from a second hand stall that I enjoyed very much and this gives me the quote, 'Treat the Body like the Slave that it is.' Perhaps a great start to the World of Zen Buddhism from a Hindu practitioner only interested in relating where you might make a start in life changing choices, such as deciding to change your Base weight and making this stick. Not throwing Shit against a Wall to see how much of it might stick has to be a resolve to be made if you would like to alter life and thus relationships in a permanent way. Let me assure you, Alcohol, Smoking, Synthetic substance use provides many paths to unhappiness and destitution and no way out of a Rut you've dug for yourself.

We cannot ordinarily imitate the great Yogi's in the way we live life; all they may or may not have achieved is unattainable in the Modern World. Back then and still today in some places great remorse and doubt may well be cured by sitting cross-legged under a Tree for a couple of decades, but let's face it this is completely impractical.

CHAPTER TWO

Health, Diet and Nutrition

What a lot to know and write about as regards to just the Nutrition part of this heading.

Never neglect your Vit. B's. Have a supplement in later life and then locating your Head becomes a bit easier. Quite a few people lack Vit. C and normally avoid taking this one because of odd reactions, your body is simply trying to expel toxins and the odd extra Satsuma helps quite a bit. Vitamin D: If you don't eat Animal Bones, (eat? more like suck on, chomp over) then getting extra of this is a good idea, but don't overdo the Horlicks because this stuff carries extra as well.

Nutritional supplements? That's about all I know except the Vitamin E seems to be a light Oil you might get from Fish anyway.

What is Colagen? So mystified, I had to ask the AI and was surprised to find the Web shows the Human is made of 80 to 90% of this stuff, but the question is not answered at all well as to what it actually is. We can replenish and repair the Colagen with good Nutrition while the Smoking and Alcohol and resultant stress harms the Colagen. I think perhaps Gelatine might best fit the description of this stuff.

Of course ways of improving the Human condition are available the most effective of which is regular exercise and this way will repair the Colagen you have in a good way. No or little point in fitting an Exoskeleton simply because the Power runs out far too quickly leaving you with Heavy gear you have to get to an appropriate source of Electric.

Health Services

We might have to face facts. We live in a World where Personal Health Concerns take precedence over every other concern we have. The Daily care of the Body takes resources away from such things as defending against predation etc. You may or may not be aware of it, but the more attention you bring to yourself by way of rebelling against the standing authorities the greater the Health concerns you have can be. Great all this except when you might expect some sort of viable defence against agressors supplied by the State. They are of course all very poorly.

When a Doctor attacks some poor sops Brain with his Wit, Sarcasm and Needle full of Radioactive Shite what sort of Health Care is he expecting for himself in future years? Just what we need, a Suicidal Stupid keeping our best interests in Mind and collecting the sums of Money 'til a greater intellect becomes afraid the Needle is coming his way and it's only a matter of time.

Whatever you may present your Doctor with when you decide to visit, the person there will be treating you for everything they find and if you Smoke and Drink you'll be treated for this as well as the Cocaine and Cold and Flu like symptoms. Sad, but true news for you.

Football

Do I really need an opinion about any of this, I mean I have hardly ever been to Scotland, but it seems it might be fashionable to claim team support activity here. I don't really like Football is the conclusion I have come to as I cannot stand much more than 20 minutes of it on the Tele. and up 'til half time when viewing a Game as a paying spectator.

Sports

Team Games are Great aren't they! Pass is over to mi mate 'oo knocks it on to someone else and then it goes on to a Keeper or something and you can start it all over again while being out of Breath. Running about and expending energy while trying out co-operation and competitive tactics, a great time to be had by all including people who went along to watch.

Gym

Always recommend taking out a membership to get yourself upto optimum fitness, but be careful with the weights because you can lift them one day and then a couple of days later you're more likely to collapse under them.

CHAPTER THREE

Decline

'Youth is wasted on the Young.' When I hit the age I have I knew I would feel this quote to be more than a "Truism" and that is certainly the case.

We know and understand the term, Managed Decline. Who this is supposed to be managed by has to be left up to the individual as far as the process of ageing goes. Getting along to the Medical People and request attention and treatment they'll tell you you're okay or give you something for the ailment they perceive. When you go along and give Blood tests full of Booze, Coke, Hash and Poppy you might well end up in a Wheelchair wondering if you'll get one you can push yourself.

Hastening one's decline is open to a person, but loving life to the extent I have done and the freedoms that go along with it health and improving such and extending the number of years becomes priority with other considerations secondary.

Another milestone I would hit would be that involving my wild imagination. Persuading, cajoling and demonstrating to others that Africa and the Asian continent were very existent and were realities encompassing gigantic populations intent on problem-solving independent and free from British influence. I have more insight now about how others perceive the majority of the World, but certainly at the time my own attitude was mainly one of ambition and the possibility of gaining huge viewing and listening statistics that might feed into a much better pay packet. Selfish perhaps but I knew I would look back and think my notions more sensible than the majority in the serene Surbuban housing estate where most of my Social contacts took place in the Teens of my life.

CHAPTER FOUR

Time-Filling

I have read and viewed plenty about myself online, not much of it good so I'll put forward some sort of defence to that could mitigate some of the accusations if true and reason out the blatant exaggerations and untruths.

I had a few friends at School and the ones that joined a Musical outfit found themselves looking at Millionaire status before they were 14 and I was a good friend to at least 2 of them and I got invited along to pre and post Gig parties and obviously I paid the ticket price to see them as well. We were in the Pub, just a local where the Lemonade could be consumed in the Beer Garden as we were underage when a piece of Roof Slate came crashing over the Fence from the Dirt Track that ran Parallel. Looking to see who it was launching the Scenery a Dirt Bike sped off. A bit of a strange occurrence, possibly a bit of coincidence and something not worth bothering over; random attack by local Borstal attendee.

A couple of Months later I was walking with the 14 year old Girlfriend when someone got off his Motorbike and mouthed some foul bastardisation of the Language at me and then he struck me in the Face using his right fist. A bit taken aback I wasn't going to escalate into a fight as the Girlfriend might get involved and get hurt, so I just backed off with her and we made it back to her House where the Parents and Adults were. Would you believe that a couple of Months later I was walking to the Shop by taking a short cut when I was attacked again! Hit in the Face again by someone with little command of the English Language, but a very deep sense of Truth and Justice. God knows what had got into these people, but it seems whoever had been dealing with the finances of the Band weren't about to pay out any of the Cash they'd collected and I had been identified as some kind of Minder or Bodyguard and was being put straight about a few things before any big ideas took hold. I took on some compering activities and fill-ins where the Stages were getting filled with the talent and they laid off, obviously I could be properly identified.

Some time later I was now pushing 17, myself and the main instrumentalist from the Rock 'n Roll outfit were walking away from a Birthday get together for someone who knew someone when I heard footsteps behind and these 2 guys jumped and hit us both just after I looked behind me to see who was speaking. I wasn't badly hurt, but my friend got hit and thrown to the Pavement and received a severe amount of verbal from this absolute Arsehole, who turned out later to be someone hanging around where the Money was flowing to catch his fair share of the 'Gear' that was going that way. By gear I of course mean narcotics, dope and illegal high material.

The point is, or the point I am trying to make is that the violence and risk that comes with the increase in value attached to a person and the output they are responsible for has to be mitigated at some point by someone and of course these were the images presented to you at Home. I am no better than this Idiot who makes Prison his Home away from Home.

People want and then claim a Career. 'ya know, sometimes the choices are just there not to be fulfilled. If I might want to be a Fireman it might be to my advantage and work well for career advancement for much of the place to be on Fire more often than normal. When young Men declare they might like to join the Parachute Regiment of the British Army a lot of opposition is going to come about when this might come to fruition and many more than normal receive persuasions to join the IRA so they can be shot and killed by this individual and a few of his newfound friends doing their very best for the betterment and support of the British Imperial Flag. My support for Policing is not in doubt, however I am not a Criminal the same way I didn't have a drink today, yesterday, all week etc.

CHAPTER FIVE

Technology

We cannot do without it! Progress comes and is there for us all alike. Invest! I say and join the Technological Revolution!

eWaste

Such a pity their's so much of this and a tremendous amount is overflowing from my Recycle Cupboard.

Computers and Lifestyle

The Computers have changed our way of living and life. Many times through History cross border communications affected the local Political situation and now this is practically a way of life.

Computer Use and Efficiencies

If using the Computer more efficiently becomes less enjoyable, should you do it?

All this messing about with computers is all well and good, but what we have to do nowadays if we are of a technological bent is show utility. What is meant by this is the practical uses of the great advancement has to be of benefit to us in real and practical ways that can be demonstrated to others as such. It's all very well to manifest Qubits in the realm of the supercooled processors but the real Money has to be in the Robots that will make our lives so much easier and more enjoyable. My Robot Dog will do away with any need I may have felt for a Motor Vehicle and enable me to get the Shopping Home easier than ever while enjoying a pleasant stroll in the process.

CHAPTER SIX

Addictions and Escapes

Is getting to the Gym too much an addiction and an escape? No, not that type of Addiction.

Recreational Drug Use is supposedly an escape from reality. A Mind-set easily accessible that can relieve us of the monotony of the humdrum; the exceptional circumstances that arise though soon bring about a Hell-like existence where we find all our self-respect, integrity and Clothes dirty and gone. When you find yourself in a Druggie Prison through your own self-management, how might you escape this? A trip to the Pub might be a good idea from memory.

Children should be introduced to Alcohol at the age of Fourteen? Big question mark here. Should they really? No, I disagree as do the majority. The brewing industry is only interested in sustaining the activities involved in poisoning the population and it's as simple as that.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Hair (or lack of)

I have changed greatly since I was on the TeleBox every two minutes, I am a changed person. So much so you would hardly recognize me today. I certainly don't have hair like that any more and the behaviour is much toned down. We might have met for all you know.

The best thing about picking up a Razor is Food is so much easier to manage when stuffing it in 'yer Gob, Soup especially.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Personal Relationships

Family is the most important of the close relationships. I am going to refrain from advising or commenting on this subject. I have various experiences with the ups and downs of close relations rarely involving authorities. What can I say? Play it by Ear.

Children

The inevitable consequence of a proper Sexual relationship here and of course a consideration for normal relationships who might apply to adopt, nurture or foster. More fun and difficult than other things in life an incredible sense of responsibility develops and stays with you for the rest of your life with the first one and the rest of the increasing numbers you should become more practised.

As a Father I've always felt I had little to contribute to the lives of the offspring and they would be better off without my interfering and the influences through Schooling are going to be much better for them.

Childhood Friends

Are they even recognizable? Were they easily defined at the time of inception?

My Childhood was different from the majority as it was all stage oriented and the people I knew of my age were destined for Stardom, a lot of them. Things were different from what was experienced in School life as the Language had to be better and more forthright with the encouragement for leadership and winning emphasized more. All this really did not play at all well in my Teens as I clearly had ideas of my own when away from the roar of the Greasepaint.

New and Old Friends or Acquaintances

What are we supposed to do on Adulthood? We turn away from Teenage foibles and look at ourselves and surroundings and should make some decisions that will better determine our short, medium and long term future. Is your Drug dealer a friend and should you become more involved in his World? What is or might be your situation with Employment and how you make a living in the World and should this be changed or manipulated in some way; real and serious life changes have to be made or left to ride. Can something be done about what might not be to your liking and what difficulties or confrontations might this kick up comes into view as addressable issues.

Counting the Matches in a Matchbox and separating Friends from Acquaintances.

So much accounting is required for continuing the Job in a Spotlight and with the Computer I can list everything all the time and keep an accurate assessment of the Wealth owned and controlled.

CHAPTER 8a

Work

For me this area became the Entertainment Industry which is partly Leisure and Tourism and partly Media and essential services and bits of other sectors with the main Union as Equity, but the Music bit of it covered by the Fire Brigades Union. Believably or Unbelievably the amounts forwarded to the Artist are not great, 'Shit does not flow uphill'. Putting on events yourself is the only way to pay the Tax Authorities and the rest of the time accepting more work as payment for previous efforts is the only way forward.

As part of my work at the time of the peak of the Popularity involved making space and giving time over to other Acts and one of these was The Spice Girls. Here I have the Skeleton of a script that could be part of a revival of this fine group of Ladies who I simply adore.

This is just an ignorable rough note, a sketchy idea unlikely to see any further expansion repeated here from previous writings as a matter of interest to a few.

SpiceWorld The Movie II

Basic Plot, the Manager in his Wheelchair approaches an online outlet to bring the Girls back as his friend has made a 'Transmogrification Machine', whereby teenage transformation is now possible for 70 year olds.

They set out to find Mel C who is in an Old People's place and is in a bit of a decrepit disposition. Baby puts on her Nurses Hat and injects the now impossibly old Sporty with a concoction fresh from the Laboratory and the sprightly but still old Mel C is taken to find the Transmogrification machine non-functional due to a fuse and a component that on inspection by the now very well qualified Geri using her Voltmeters and Oscilloscopes that needs replacing. Off the gang go to trace and secure a fresh important component and some Solder and Soldering Iron and other important equipment that is vitally important.

Alteration - The machine fails at the beginning making Victoria, Baby and Mel B as teens and Geri as a 45 year old, they then decide to leave Geri with the machine at her Basement repair shop while the others go and look for the fifth Spice.

The machine works well, but problems with the Timeline become apparent almost immediately with things disappearing and the Receipt that was attached to the purchase disappearing from the Archive on the Computer along with bits of Diary entries from that day as well. The more people allowed to 'Transmogrify', the worse it seems to get, but all this is just a minor inconvenience compared to the benefits of being a Teenager again.

I have of course other ideas for Films and stuff and have written some other scripts, here's another couple.

Film - Bad Tempered, Mouthy, Noisy Fucks.

Another title - Bad tempered, drunk and Nasty Mouthy Fuckers.

The Things

A new Horror flick that does what the title says.

Looking at Film that might want a retackle, I've come up with my ideas about how a different slant can be put on what are now Classics.

Star Wars

To get back to some of the original ideas, the main premise was that, what if the Aliens did not say, 'We come in peace and here is some of our Thaal', or whatever. What if the Earth was just much of a muchness and little interest might be paid to Humans and the known Universe as far as the non-Humans were concerned were just at War with each other almost constantly and little regard might be shown to anything other than Battling and the important use of tactics to win various Battles considered important by those living on other Worlds or in Space stations.

King Arthur

Excalibur, Merlin, the legend generally and so on. A Grail depicted perhaps as a Chalice showing the Birth of Christianity on what we now know as the British Isles. Certainly worth re-telling and depicting but with more Knights in shining Armour.

Definitely under the Banner of 'Myth and Magic' this one.

The idea of a Disparate Kingdom that features many Kings does sort of grip the imagination, but it really is well covered; or appears to be. A 'Nirvana', or 'Idyl' whereby a Cup could be sourced to take in life giving liquids such as Water and processed Foodstuffs does bring along a picture of Men competing in an agressive way for resources supplied on proviso's loyalty is promised to suppliers; one of which is deemed to be above the rest and thence all; a King.

Television? I have had my thoughts here as well that I have made a Computer File about.

War Again, a Strike Novel

A Cotton Bud in his Ear, Toothbrush in his Mouth and Eye Drops freshly applied the Mobile Phone in the next room make itself present with an old fashioned ringtone. 'Arrgh', exclaimed the PI, getting himself in a direct line of sight to the device and looking at it until the ring sound stopped and a voice message could be recorded by whoever was wanting some attention. His leg was not on and a small hop took him back to the Bathroom sink.

Public Transport got him to the Office and there he was first to warm the space in the way that Humans do. Computer time was first order for the day before finding out what the message might be concerning.

'Mr Strike, Wardle Home Office. I've made an appointment for you tomorrow 10 past 1, Whitehall. You've eMail waiting from me if you could confirm your interest that would be good.'

The eMail was indeed waiting and coincided with listening to the message using Headphones while he started recording the planning of communications first thing. A bit of a force of habit all this, things had been quiet for a couple of weeks now, only a couple of accounts were on the Books and these were waiting information; his attendance for the appointment was not going to be a difficulty as he was not in trouble with Government, but could be offered a new case by the the look and tone of the writing and the seniority of the Man. 'Secretary to Ms. Isherwood' had been communicating and the meeting would be with an Isherwood herself.

Note - Better write to Peter Galbraith for some permissions or other.

Back to Films again, this is the main topic after all.

Dial of Destiny II

Fist off, I might have to actually watch the original first before doing anything.

Life of Brian II; Brian Lives!; Brian, the Resurrection; The Resurrection of Brian of Nazareth; Brian Comes Alive; From Death ....... Brian; Brians Second Go at Life; From Death, Brian

Note - Might be best to let someone else decide on the title

Opening - A barely lit Dark Cave.

Screenplay / Book about Xenomorph's.

Xenomorphs: Earth

Film: ALIEN CONTINGENCY

In a different timeline or through a series of variable outcomes, the Human Intellect wins through and people don't get eaten alive or Nested for the Young of the ALIENS.

I think that might be enough for Hollywood to be getting on with, I'm going back to my fascinating Book.

CHAPTER NINE

Cerebral Matters and Externalization

Of course we perceive with our Mind and as such not everything we know of is an actuality in the reality of the existence of everyone. Points of view conflict and it is only through communication and language development any improvement in the World is brought about. By necessity only through good meaning conveyance do we get what we need to survive.

Introspection

We have to look within ourselves for Artistic content and licence. This is certainly News about the activities of others that quite a slice of the population were not aware of. I look at various versions of the Rubik Cube and think or know they are impossible to solve even when I view them getting solved, it's the same for many who have no idea about 'Introspection', when thoughts occur movement of Limbs happen and that's the end of that.

Introversion

Constantly refusing to engage with the World will or could lead to this. Good luck to those who have this, I will never understand. Serious Introverts have great difficulties communicating to others and of course this is infectious or transferable to others who adopt this Social trait and before long the 'Outsider' can be defined as the problem in the World and they can be persecuted without Mercy. You could be getting the impression I don't much like introverts and you are correct.

Extroversion

I am an Extrovert? This came as News to me at the time and sometimes I still don't accept it as a definition of the totality of my self. People laughed at the antics and the spoken truths for discernible reasons Society brings forward and it's all explicable. Laughter releases nervous tension and when prompted enjoyment was experienced because of this; it's all very simple and known about.

Space here for a huge Paper filling Diagram.

CHAPTER TEN

Experience Versus Study

In Mid-life, the days of accepting what some Bod stood at the front of a Classroom might say or some Textbook can inform upon are gone for me. No way am I going to believe in an instant what's impressed upon me. This has been evidenced quite a few times by myself even in the field of Mathematics. If Pi really does equal whatever it may equal, draw a big Circle on Graph paper and count up the squares and then see if it adds up. Having done this, use a monstrously large example of same and go through it all on a much larger scale.

Never ceases to amaze me the complaints made by the 6ft. Male. The rest of the population, those not of this stature, view them as having won the Human Race by default while the Tall Men look around and see only potential battles and defeats. Taking a retrospective view the past has only been combative paths to humiliation and ill-health. Come to think about it, perhaps the complaining is partially justifiable while the battering of easy targets is not.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Celebrity and Royalty

I have been a Famous person fitting into the classification of 'Celebrity'. Never quite sure what we're supposed to be celebrating, but there we were. Round about the place I used to live I noticed a change just after leaving School with the local Youths that were about the place and while drinking at the local Rugby Club I discovered from a friend that the reason was someone in a rival team just across the County border was a local Bobby Policeman and he was just an almost exact match facially for me. It wasn't a clever clever protection scheme or anything, but some locals were convinced I was going out and putting people in the Cells from my Terraced abode and then pushing the Football about down the recreation ground when I got the chance. Getting to an extra sporting event at the Rugger I could certainly see the similarity, but Fame called and I didn't have to deny anything because Los Angeles awaited regular enough to keep me away.

I mean to add a bit more to the same subject, no-one would go in for ideas of advanced protection for me at that time, they'd have been more likely to say 'Go ahead and do that scruffy lout in' if anything. Successful gigging at that time just meant increased Beer sales and the more Alcohol consumed the more fighting takes place, Beer in Brains out is always true. In the end the extra attention wasn't because of the Job and run of the Mill routines, but the off-duty concerns people were frowning about. Rugby, Beer and the ever real chance of Violence; Victory then defeat, thank goodness I recently heard he moved into a Big House and landed a well paying job that kept him away from terrorising the unaware locals.

My popularity as a left wing comedian suddenly took a great big vertical leap at about the same time the then Prince Charles was struggling to get his Chauffeur driven Limo. through London. Mine, I could get through no problem. With this sudden Fame and general acceptance came better understanding of the why's and wherefore's of how I should conduct myself in Public and a deeper understanding of the Law when it comes to things like self defence & stuff. Given the Prince Charles example, what if the situation reverses for a time at some point and I am (temporarily) unpopular and disliked resulting in an attack of some description. Fact is, what was I doing at that place at that time becomes important as does my reaction to some aggressor. If you keep yourself above average fitness immediately you're better able to deal with potentially violent situations than over half of the population and if you extend this and take up learning Kung Fu let's say then if I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time dishing out the wrong self defence trivials and somebody else is badly hurt or worse I could be doing some Clink.

It's amazing what you learn hanging out at the Bar down the Rugby Club, although that was defo. League and not Union.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Thoughts and Opinions

Why would anyone have these and why would you want others to know about them? Surely all this does is advertise or publicize that you have original thoughts about things. From an early age making people laugh became second nature to me for reasons of survival and so on, but now the notion of profit is introduced extending my self-promotion into some sort of paying job of work. Never ceases to amaze me all of this, distributing what you might think of and about the World will give away your position and open you up to hostile fire, err from a Military perspective. Unwise all round I would have thought.

Religions

Why not finish off on either a very high note or disaster lamentation. Through Tibetan Buddhism we learn that we must not believe wrong things. Meaning we should not justify in our Mind Logic and Truths based on Falsehoods. When looking at Zen Buddhism the realization that wrong belief inevitably brings about wrong thoughts and of course after wrong thought only wrong actions can be possible. Dishonesty, Lies, Deception, Untruths; all these will lead to unnecessary conflict in the World and your actions were responsible for some of it.

Take care of yourself and others. Be kind when you can and defend well when needs be, but happiness might be illusory for much of the time until you realize you were content all along.

With thanks to -

People who know who they are and the people who knew their would be limited or minimum Comedic value to this writing and of course to you for taking the time to read.